Thursday, October 19, 2006

I Think I'm Kind of Funny

Here's today's marathon pic. I like it because I actually look somewhat like a real runner with proper form and not a poseur runner with peculiar arm-swing (although if you look carefully my arms are going across my body rather than with my body--I think I biffed that girl somewhere around mile 24--maybe that's why I lost her around then). Sometimes I think I need to be less self-deprecating. Although funny (hey, at least to me it is), this type of self talk is supposedly based on actual feelings.

Am I hard on myself sometimes--yes. The answer is yes. Do I sometimes cross the invisible border into beatingmyselfupville? Yes, in fact I do. Is it generally a problem? I really don't know. I really hesitate to become all Stuart Smalley and fakey self-complimentary. I like the fact that I see room for improvement. I like the fact that I know myself and my "weaknesses" and "faults" enough to laugh at them. Sure, sometimes I get too down on myself and spiral downwards but these downward spirals aren't caused by my self-deprecating. Their caused by other things and the depression/spiral sucks my self-deprecating down into the vortex of despair and causes me to overload on it and ultimately beat myself up.

Anyway, the point is that I think my self-deprecating helps me improve as a person and keeps me focused on those things I want to improve. I realize that sometimes it prevents me from being little Mary Sunshine but I really don't want to be little Mary Sunshine. I believe I can be happy and aware (if not hyper-aware) of my faults.

However, I think perhaps I should monitor these things that I say to myself and deal with them a little better. Not all my self-deprecating jokes are about lesser important things like my running form. Sometimes they're a little more fundamental, in that they deal with things like distorted body image or irrational feelings of a lack of self-worth. It can't hurt to assess these things a little bit when they come up.

Gosh, I feel like I just did homework!

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