Tuesday, October 03, 2006

I Want a A Crumb-free Floor and My Cuddles Too

It's cold in my office. Supposedly it's warm outside but it's freezing in here. I need mittens. And socks would be helpful too.

I'm starting to get psyched up for my marathon. I feel itchy to get out there and run hard. Maybe that's the purpose of a taper--to deprive you of running just enough to make you really want to get out there and run till you hurt. I'm still worried I'm going to be a bloated lazy cow by the time I make it to the starting line, but less so. But yeah, I'm feeling really confident, excited, and strangely at ease about the whole endeavor. Oh and I think the new running outfit is hip, cute, and highly functional. Definitely a keeper. A blue and green marathon it will be!

As for the transition to life in the OHOOD it's going pretty well. It's complicated. There's so much at stake right now. There is so much that can be worried about but I suppose this is probably a good time to roll with things and go with the flow a little bit. I feel like I want to muscle through the transition and just get through it as fast as possible and be a happy blissful mrp/ltg couple all stable and perfect right now! I want to feel accepted and loved and cherished and productive and sexy and helpful and in love and not needy and pathetic and tired and dumpy and sad and worried. And I think mrp is the similar. He wants to feel in control and stable and confident and on top of things and grown up and strong and not worried and exhausted and unsure of things and insecure. In a way we are both grasping so desperately to overcome these negative feelings and get to the positive side, but we're forcing the issue. Me with my pleas for mrp to be nice to me and mrp with his pleas for me to be nice to the house. I am bordering on tyrannical about my demands and so is he. We both sense something is up and is causing us to work against rather than with each other but we have not been able to pinpoint exactly why this is happening.

Hmmm. I have an idea. For me, the focus is secondarily the house transition and primarily the relationship transition and for him I think the opposite is true. When I want to put all our energy toward the relationship and he's worried about crumbs on the floor I get upset and when he wants to put all our energy to keeping the house nice and I'm asking for cuddles he gets upset. We need to realize that this is a good thing: we need to take care of both things and I lead us in taking care of our relationship and he leads in taking care of our house. I need to not rigidly hold onto the idea that warm fuzzy relationship stuff must take precedence over everything else in our lives and if it doesn't then we're doomed and I think it would be helpful if mrp recognized the same thing about the house--that if crumbs on the floor is not the foremost thing on my list of priorities that the house is not going to collapse. And at the same time I have to let him lead with the house stuff and trust him on what is best in that regard and I believe he should do the same with me and the warm-fuzzy relationship stuff.

Of course, none of this is so cut and dry. I do care about the house and it is very high on my list and he cares about our relationship and it is very high on his list (if not the highest macro-priority--it's just not his talent and not on the radar screen at every micro-moment like it is mine). I truly want to learn to better take care of our things, be more self-disciplined and responsible and he truly wants to learn how to be a better partner, friend, and lover* I am sure. So maybe it's just a matter of me more gently nudging things along on the relationship front and he more gently nudging things along on the house track and both of us being more receptive to the respective nudgings.


*This word inspires both an ewww and an mmmm response from me. It's at once fabio and vronsky, richard marx and jeff buckley, velveeta and brie. Anyone else with me here?

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