Monday, October 30, 2006

A Post in Two Parts

The Surface
My IT Band is mad. Dammit! It is about as bad as it was 5 weeks ago, but that isn't good. I have been running about 1/3 the milage I was running back then. Yes, I've more or less only run on hilly ashpalt since the marathon, but that's no excuse! I hope it doesn't get worse. I am going to run 4 slow miles on the treadmill and lift weights and stretch like a good girl after work. I hope I make it those 4 miles. I have to let myself go to the elliptical if it hurts while running today. I hate having to do that and it's a huge mental barrier--once I resort to cross-training I'm admitting defeat by the hands of an injury. It's silly since cross-training would be to prevent the injury really since it's more or less in its infancy at this point. Oh, I don't know. I was having way too much fun on those hills in San Francisco (and then again for 12 miles in ohio, but I digress).

Anyway, the trip was great. It was relaxing. I got to lay around and eat a lot and shop in real stores and try stuff on rather than having to impuslively by clothes online because I desperately need them and don't have time to waste in a dressing room. I am very happy with what I bought. I also got to spend time with *B*. I often wish I had more friends locally. All my best friends live elsewhere and for the most part the distance has taken a toll on the friendship and we've drifted apart. The exception is *B*. We've remained very close despite lots of stupid crap getting in the way. It's so nice to not see someone for 3 years and then see them and feel like they never lived away. We didn't do anything epic like take a day trip or anything. We more or less went out to eat, shopped, and drank wine and acted stupid in our PJ's at her house.

I was so happy for her to meet mrp too. They seemed to get along really well. *B* said she would never have put the two of us together on paper, but in the flesh it makes so much sense. It's funny. A lot of people who know both of us, but don't necessarily see us together a lot seem to think we're somewhat mismatched. Our outside skin is different, but inside we are so much alike. I like that it confuses people.

The Deeper Stuff
First thing I need to mention is that when we were in SF there were two distinct times that I bugged. I haven't really bugged like that in a long time. I get filled with this frustrated tired anxiety when I feel like I need to take charge but something isn't cooperating (in this case directions to the Supershuttle in the airport and a Bart ticket machine). I get almost rageful and just bubble up with frustration. I can't help it. It's awful and I feel like a complete idiot. I don't know the last time I bugged like that. I never want to do it again. I don't know if this bugging is related to other stuff going on or not. Perhaps. You be the judge.

Mrp and I have been ironing out some kinks since we moved in together. Much of it has surrounded my cats. This has nothing to do with my cats but more how mrp and I approach the problem together. I am so intent on getting on the same side of the problem together rather than working against each other. I so want to tackle our household problems as a team rather than separately and against one another. I'm frustrated though because no matter how much I express this desire and no matter how many times mrp agrees we still can't seem to get there--or at least I don't feel we are. I'm worried that my brain is wired to not see when we're on the same side. I think I feel so bad when something from me (like my cats scratching the chair or me scratching the silverware) causes mrp distress. I either get defensive because I don't want him mad at me or I internalize his bad feelings and beat myself up because I'm mad at me for hurting mrp. More often than not I do both of these things. I know I have to ACCEPT the fact that mrp will be upset directly by me and things related to me. We can be on the same side even when he's displeased. Right? It of course would also help if mrp delivered his aggrievances with me in a softer casing. Sometimes he comes off as harsh and cold and it exacerbates my bad tendencies. Don't get me wrong. I take responsibility for those tendencies, but in a relationship the best solutions to these intrateam problems come from both players.

But I also know that I get emotional and sad when I internalize mrp's feelings. This is just one thing that causes me to be emotional (admittedly of many--see two paragraphs ago). I need mrp to understand that I'm emotional (occasionally a basket-case). So often in my life I have been derided for being too emotional. I have cultivated a tough exterior but in my bubble with mrp I need to be able to feel safe when I'm crying even when it seems like what I'm crying about isn't worth crying about. I don't necessarily want him to accept the kind of bugging out that I was talking about earlier. I'm not accepting that. It's just awful. But, the more general emotionalness is just me.

No comments: