Monday, October 09, 2006

A To Do List of Sorts

I'm feeling a little aimless. Life's been busy and I haven't had a chance to sort stuff out. So, I am devoting my lunch hour to figuring out some things I need to do. Here's the list I've come up with.

1. More chill-out time
2. To relax, sleep well, and eat well this week
3. To get on top of my work at work: organize and do icky stuff
4. Start thinking about new goals

As you can see, the first is a general need that I think will apply to some extent for good. It took me a while to figure out what exactly this need was and I've explained why it's come up now in (excrutiatingly painful?) detail. The other three are more short-term need-to-dos. Anyway, without further ado, here's the supporting verbage...

First, I need more chill-out time in my life. Life is so hectic sometimes that I need to stop and slow down and just not rush one iota. Sometimes mrp and I need rush-free chill-out time together. We did just that during a tour of big box stores yesterday. We took out time and compared bathroom rugs and analyzed shelving units and considered all of our mail sorting needs. And we spent lots of time debating whether to purchase fruity or dude-smelling body wash. We ended up purchasing one of each. I will smell sweet and citrusy and mrp will smell virile and ocean-breeze-like. It was a wonderful day and I was just bubbling with mrp love all throughout it.

Sometimes, though, I need a different-kind of rush-free chill-out time. Sometimes I need an hour or so where I am allowed to eat cookies and stare at the tube or to curl up in bed with light reading or soak in a hot tub and stare at the ceiling with absolutely no other demands on my time. This means, the lunches are already made, the laundry is done, the cats are taken care of, the dishes are done, the car is in the garage, everything and anything that I must do other than my vegging out is done for the day and I have time to veg out for an hour AND get an adequate 7.5 hours of sleep. Having this hour every day is unreasonable and truly unnecessary. But once a week would probably be sufficient. If I don't have this bit of truly free time when I need it I start feeling frustrated by stuff that stands in my way of it.

Last night for example, I needed it. I just straight-up needed some time just free of all obligation. It was a very busy week followed by a very busy weekend. I was on my feet both days pretty much non-stop--going going going. I thought I was going to be clear of stuff for awhile around 8:30, but then mrp reminded me that I needed to move my car. I was cold, I was tired, I just didn't want to do it. I whined, but went out to my car and when I got there I realized I left my keys inside. I was so mad at myself for wasting my own time. I muttered, I swore, I acted like a baby. I got the damn keys and moved the car. I came back inside and then thought I could steal a 1/2 hour and just veg until 9 or so and then finish up for the night. I don't even remember what we were talking about but mrp was talking and out of nowhere all politeness left the building and I interrupted him and said "I just want to sit down and watch the rest of this show." And he got mad and I put my head in my hands on the counter and felt like an ass but a tired and needing to veg-out ass and just tired, ok? And somewhere in there my cat scratched the chair again and jumped on the counter and mrp thought I was using too much water to do the dishes and I was just over it. I just felt hopeless--like no matter what I did the work was never done and I'm so tired and I'll never have a moment and wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa. And I wasn't really mad at my cats and I certainly wasn't mad at mrp. I was mad at myself for not being better at helping my cats behave and for not being able to get stuff done faster and better.

But now, I am not so mad about that. I realize that I just didn't want to ackowledge that I needed something. Why I have a tendency to dismiss my own needs as weakness or inadequacy I'm not quite sure. But in any event I'm articulating this very reasonable need and proud of it. Once a week--preferably the night before the workweek starts--I need to have everything done by 8:30 so I can have 8:30-bedtime to do nothing or anything or whatever.

Second, and along these same lines, I need to relax this week. I'm running my first marathon and I'm nervous and excited and I want it to be a positive experience. To that end, I need to get to bed on time and relax more in general. I need to cuddle my cat more before bed so he'll be less likely to wake me up in the middle of the night to jump on the bed for cuddles when I'm trying to sleep. I think I've slept through the night once since we moved because of that. It's starting to drive me nuts. I also need to eat well and just feel like I'm taking good care of myself. It will make me feel less nervous and better prepared.

Third, I need to clean and organize my office at work and to do some things I've been putting off because I don't like doing them. I'm in an I've had it mood here and I need to get back in control of my work. I feel overwhelmed by all the crap all over the place and the task list now full of things I don't like to do. I'm cleaning this up and getting that stuff done and then I'm going to go and get something good to do.

Fourth, I need to start the process of making new goals. I've finished school, I'll be finishing the marathon, I'm settling back into Cleveland life now, and it's time to think about where I'm headed in the career, running, and otherwise. Other than the marathon, I'm feeling a little aimless and I'd like to get back on track with some short and long term goals.

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