Monday, November 13, 2006

Getting Comfortable with Calm

This weekend was low key but I think very productive at the same time. I didn't do tons of chores or anything really "grand" like go to a party or run a race. On Friday mrp and I hung out with mrp's single friend *Z*. I really like *Z*. He is a very sensitive guy but he's also really funny and he's fun to talk to about music, culture, politics, and other stuff like that. It's fun to talk with him about that stuff with mrp. It's funny because mrp isn't that into those things. I remarked how hard it is for me to believe sometimes and *Z* said, "that's mrp. You can't change him." Of course I don't want to change mrp. I just wish mrp could hear what I hear in the music I love, but I have no interest in forcing it. If he doesn't he doesn't. I take joy in it and I want to share the joy that's all. We share so much other joy. We don't need that too. Plus he has things that bring him joy that I don't understand--you know, like putting little bumpers on the cupboard doors or watching Joe Dirt. I like to watch him experience the joy he gets from those things but I certainly couldn't say I get the same joy from those experiences.

I also went running with a group for the first time. The two guys I got stuck with were pretty dorky. Ok, extremely dorky. The one was very quiet and he seems sweet and he has the potential to be a good running partner in that he has trained intensly and consistently before. The other one would not shut up and he complained for 10 of the 12 miles we ran about something or other. Unfortunately they're roommates. So, I can't really run with just one of them if the other one wants to come. I may try the group again to see if there are others to run with or to see if the one comes by himself to see better see if he would indeed be a good partner. It was hard to tell since the other one WOULD NOT SHUT UP. Heh. I wish I had contact info for my mailman friend Bob. He'd be a great running partner. I think he might run with a different group so maybe I'll try running with that group sometime soon too.

Later on Sunday, after a beautiful nap...
I was driving home from the grocery store and felt funny. I felt myself scanning the recesses of my brain for something to worry about. Then I scanned to find something to be thrilled and jubilant about. Then I realized I had an opportunity to try being in a neutral emotional state. I am very extreme in the emotions: at all time I am either elated or anxiety-ridden. Of course that's a huge over-simplification, but it get's the point across. Anyway, I have decided that to become a relaxed non-stressed out freak I need to get comfortable in this neutral state since my first reaction is to always look for something to stress out about. If I can be content to have that mental downtime rather than to fill it up with destructive stressed out worrying then I can learn to handle stressful stuff with a zen-like calmness. I want neutral to be my default state rather than panicked.

Neutral is a hard state for me to be in. My brain moves a mile a minute and wants to fill that empty space with something. I worked really hard to focus on the present. The misty autumness, the mild excitement about going home to cook something new, the realization that mrp and I have a really great thing going--our friendship, our relationship, our home. All these thoughts made me feel something I don't feel very often and something I am getting used to feeling--very content.

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