Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Whatever It Is

Oh my god. I'm such a chick. I'm getting all moony about Christmas and wrapping presents and decorating. Who AM I?! Lately I've been mildly pursuing why I have this deep-seeded idea that it is cheesy to have any stereo-typically female desires like wanting to get married, have babies, home-make, etc. Why is it embarrassing for me to divulge this information about myself? I know it has something to do with the fact that all the female humans I know that talk about this stuff pretty much do so incessantly and it annoys me. I hate when women have self-worth only as floofy doofy ditzy females. I feel like I can hang in a man's world and talk about things like politics and art and literature and movies and sports and dirty jokes. My only contribution to this world is not limited to my ability to coordinate the napkin rings with the coasters. I suppose I feel somewhat looked down on by those decorating wifey mom types among us. I guess deep down I feel like to be a good wife, mother, home-maker I have to be those things singlemindedly like many women. I know deep down that I'm a better partner and I'll be a great mother because of my curiosity, worldliness and experiences, but for some reason I feel like those bitches better know it too! Why do I care what they think? I suppose this is the important question. It's also important to stop seeing these people as judgmental bitches, too. I suppose that's not helping. Heh. Ok, ok. They're not judgmental bitches (usually)--that part's all in my head.

But seriously. I have been so happy the last few days. The only time I'm stressed is a little here and there at work and then driving in morning rush hour traffic on icy roads. Otherwise, I've just been giddy with glee. My cats are pretty much behaving. Mrp is the most adoreable mrp in the land and running has just been fab. My job is a bit boring, but not too bad either. My mom's not totally gross and boozy when I've seen her the last few times. My sister almost sounds like she's responsible. My pituitary tumor is in the back of my mind (literally!) and I've just accepted it and feel like I'll do what I need to do when I need to do it--what else can I do?! Money is the same and I've accepted it. I'll keep shoveling out of the debt with my puny shovel and do the best I can--what else can I do? My house worries me, but not so much. All the things that usually worry me are just not worrying me. Instead my thoughts are consumed with wishing for more birds at the bird feeder and being excited to see the orchard covered in snow in the daylight and how lucky we are to live next to a beautiful old bridge and how absolutely gorgeous the roads around our house are for running.

Part of it might be that I've been getting to bed on time most days lately. Part of it is that I've been working hard at relaxing and dealing with the things that obstruct my happiness. Part of it is that I have a great life. Whatever it is, I'm just happy!

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