Wednesday, November 29, 2006

A Star for All Seasons

Lately, I have been wondering how I lost my passion for law. I used to be so interested in it and have so many ideas and questions and just energy to dive into it. However, over the last year or so my interest is just waning. In it's place, my brain is devoted to all things mrp, all things running, and even my cats seem more important to me lately. Part of it is that my job is often boring. But even the parts I supposedly love haven't been getting me off so to speak. I just feel kind of ho hum about the whole thing. On Monday night I went to a seminar at my former law school. I ran into my tax professor there who I just adored as a student. We had a great time catching up and he introduced me to the speaker and we had a nice chat. It made me feel, for a moment anyway, that passion again. I at once wanted to run home and research for a new paper. I would so love to throw myself into a new paper--in theory. However, I am just not excited enough about it right now. It's not something I want to force. It will come when it comes. Part of it is that I have spent almost 10 years devoting my life to developing a career. I put almost all of myself into that. I ignored my physical needs and my relationship needs and threw it all into getting to where I am today. Maybe it's not such a bad thing to coast for a little while while I balance my life back out.
See, this leads back to a couple of posts ago--we can't pursuit every goal we have at once. There are only so many resources for these things to go around.

Everytime, though, I think back to Monday night I can see these possibilities to maybe make into academia afterall. I was a bit of a star that night--it made me feel like I need to get back there someday. In the meantime, I'll do my best at my job and do some relative coasting while I devote some resources to other pursuits to get myself into a happy balance. Just because it's not today's top priority does not mean it's not in the queue.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

A Little Post-Holiday Lardism

I had a nice lunch hour of sitting on my duff. I've been running at lunch almost everyday so not doing it today makes me feel lardy. Eating too many cookies and PMSing also makes me feel lardy. So I feel very lardy today. I will be running 8 miles tonight with my new running friend *T*. I think we have about nothing in common other than running but he's nice and laughs at me so it's fun to run with him. It's also good for me to have someone to run with after work so I can get runs in in the dark if I have to. I much prefer daylight running but now that my mileage is going back up I'll have to run in the dark at least a couple of days a week.

Speaking of running, just bear with me for a moment while I brag that I ran a 32:54 for 5 miles! My previous best was 34:57 in July and I thought I was psyched to then just to run sub 7min/mi! Although, I got my picture in the paper for that one. This one only gave me a pumpkin pie! Anyway, I completely shocked myself by running so fast (6:35/mile thank you very much!) Some people might find this sadly slow (mrp, maybe) but for me this is blazing fast, especially when I haven't run "fast" in a couple of months. It gives me faith that that cross-country race I ran really was an incredibly slow course and that if it wasn't all ankle deep muddy hills that my time would have been pretty darn fast there too. While I'm running kind of fast I've decided to run a 5k on Saturday just to have a good time so I never have to run another one if I don't want to--I can die happy never running another 5k--especially if I can run under 20 minutes.

Other than that the vet put my cat on anti-depressants and we think she swallowed the pill last night because we haven't found a wad of butter with a little pill inside anywhere in the house and she was smacking her lips after she ran away from me. And I ate way too damn much last weekend and some members of my family are very annoying and some are adoreable (GRAMMA!) and mrp's niece and nephew are also pretty cute and fun to play with and his brother-in-law was hardly annoying at all! And I made pretty good burritos out of leftover turkey, tomatillo salsa, and red potatoes if I do say so myself. So all in all, it was a very nice holiday weekend.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Boston Baby

I took the plunge and registered for the Boston marathon today. After much hemming and hawing and reading crap about it online I decided it's something I want to do and now's the time to do it. I might never have another chance, you know. The main drawback to it is that it's freaking expensive. After I pay $100 just for the entry fee I'll have to pay at least $500 for a hotel and book a flight and take time off of work, etc. etc. etc. This is easily a $1500 endeavor for 2 days of fun! But a small price to pay for the experience, the war stories, to bask in runnerdom with other runners. I used to think this kind of thing was so cheesy. It is. Ok. It is a bunch of overprivileged people with too much time on their hands but I suppose I too am one of those people. I'm a socially awkward white person who wears a digital watch and sweat socks and lots of clothing made out of coolmax who has way too much education and a moderately high salary so why can't I unabashedly join my people for a big party like that?! I'm doing it and I'm going to love every second of it!

Monday, November 13, 2006

Getting Comfortable with Calm

This weekend was low key but I think very productive at the same time. I didn't do tons of chores or anything really "grand" like go to a party or run a race. On Friday mrp and I hung out with mrp's single friend *Z*. I really like *Z*. He is a very sensitive guy but he's also really funny and he's fun to talk to about music, culture, politics, and other stuff like that. It's fun to talk with him about that stuff with mrp. It's funny because mrp isn't that into those things. I remarked how hard it is for me to believe sometimes and *Z* said, "that's mrp. You can't change him." Of course I don't want to change mrp. I just wish mrp could hear what I hear in the music I love, but I have no interest in forcing it. If he doesn't he doesn't. I take joy in it and I want to share the joy that's all. We share so much other joy. We don't need that too. Plus he has things that bring him joy that I don't understand--you know, like putting little bumpers on the cupboard doors or watching Joe Dirt. I like to watch him experience the joy he gets from those things but I certainly couldn't say I get the same joy from those experiences.

I also went running with a group for the first time. The two guys I got stuck with were pretty dorky. Ok, extremely dorky. The one was very quiet and he seems sweet and he has the potential to be a good running partner in that he has trained intensly and consistently before. The other one would not shut up and he complained for 10 of the 12 miles we ran about something or other. Unfortunately they're roommates. So, I can't really run with just one of them if the other one wants to come. I may try the group again to see if there are others to run with or to see if the one comes by himself to see better see if he would indeed be a good partner. It was hard to tell since the other one WOULD NOT SHUT UP. Heh. I wish I had contact info for my mailman friend Bob. He'd be a great running partner. I think he might run with a different group so maybe I'll try running with that group sometime soon too.

Later on Sunday, after a beautiful nap...
I was driving home from the grocery store and felt funny. I felt myself scanning the recesses of my brain for something to worry about. Then I scanned to find something to be thrilled and jubilant about. Then I realized I had an opportunity to try being in a neutral emotional state. I am very extreme in the emotions: at all time I am either elated or anxiety-ridden. Of course that's a huge over-simplification, but it get's the point across. Anyway, I have decided that to become a relaxed non-stressed out freak I need to get comfortable in this neutral state since my first reaction is to always look for something to stress out about. If I can be content to have that mental downtime rather than to fill it up with destructive stressed out worrying then I can learn to handle stressful stuff with a zen-like calmness. I want neutral to be my default state rather than panicked.

Neutral is a hard state for me to be in. My brain moves a mile a minute and wants to fill that empty space with something. I worked really hard to focus on the present. The misty autumness, the mild excitement about going home to cook something new, the realization that mrp and I have a really great thing going--our friendship, our relationship, our home. All these thoughts made me feel something I don't feel very often and something I am getting used to feeling--very content.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Bucking up... At Least Trying to

I have stuff to make pancakes this weekend and Joe Dirt (don't ask) to watch and hopefully letters to discuss and impromptu cuddling and stuff like that. I can catch up on stuff this weekend like getting that hair cut and getting a file for my paperwork and going to my mom's to sort through all my stuff (not that that's all appealing or anything but it needs to get done and I'll feel better after I do it). I can put photos in a photo album and consolidate all my sentimental stuff which will make me happy. I can get in a good run tomorrow and Saturday morning and then run with the running club on Sunday. The running club will be a new thing and it might be nice to run with others and maybe those others might be nice too. And I can catch up on my novel and sleep in. I ate my breakfast and look at me... I'm almost optimistic!


I feel blah today. I am really tired. It has been a busy week at work with lunch time meetings three out of five days. I have become accustomed to having that time to do as I please and not having it for the majority of the week stinks. On top of that the weather has been so relatively nice all week and I don't feel like I've been able to enjoy it since I've more or less been cooped up in here during daylight hours. Today I have to go to a 4 hour webcast on pension plans from noon until 4. I suppose given that sentence I have no further need to explain my blah. On top of all this next week I have a thing after work to go to, more or less for work, and a therapist appointment at 8:30 and I need a haircut and I'm tired and my cats won't behave 24 hours a day and I have nothing fun planned and I just feel icky.

I'm whining, but sometimes I just feel blah and want someone to sympathize and hug me and let me know it's ok to feel this way today because I'll feel better tomorrow.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Winning Feels Really Good

After the marathon I was worried I would feel aimless and depressed with no running goals to work towards so I signed myself up for a 5 mile cross country race that was going to take place up the street from the OHOOD. I also have been wanting to run it since it was one of a few road races I ran in high school. I have a t-shirt that I wear quite often from the 1992 running of this race. Of course after I signed up shit started hurting and I doubted I jog it let alone race it. I would not be deterred on Sunday morning, however. I woke up and pretended like it was a race and I drove up there and warmed up like it was a race. I talked to my mailman running friend Bob about how crappy I was feeling just like I've done before previous races. And then the gun went off and I raced.

The first two miles were muddy and hilly but not too bad and I managed to run 6:50's for both, but then miles 3 and 4 were hellaciously muddy and hilly--through a wet horse field!--and I slowed to 7:50's. But then mile 5 was like the first two miles again and I managed to run 6:50 on the nose (at least according to the race people's split times they were calling out. What's really funny is shortly after the first mile I was running behind a girl. One of her friends yelled out to her that she was the first woman. I decided that I wanted to be the first woman so I passed her and never looked back. I can't tell you how thrilling it was to know I was in first place. I have NEVER had that feeling running before. I have never even had a hint at a chance to win. It was definitely a running mile stone.

Of course, I told myself it was a local thing, my time sucked, and no good runners were there. But it turns out that's not true. Some really good high school girls ran it. The girl I passed at mile one runs college cross-country and the woman who eventually came in second ran a 1:32 half-marathon a couple of months ago. Also, the 14 year old kid that I ran the last mile with ran 18:40's in high school cross-country 5k races. (yes, it's sad but I looked. I wanted to put it in perspective and I'm glad I did). And looking back I pretty much passed people from mile one on. I think I might actually believe I could be pretty fast on a road course right now. In fact, I am really excited to try it out. I'm going to run a 5 mile road race on Thanksgiving if my legs are still in one piece by then. But the point is that I think I am actually really proud of myself and not cutting down my achievement for once! Woohoo!

In other news I almost didn't vote. I am a big weenie and forgot to change my address on my registration in time. But I checked the voter registration website and found out that I was still registered at my old apartment and the voting station is just about 2 miles from work. So after a business lunch of jambalaya (I know) I laced up my shoes and ran the two miles to the polling station, voted, and ran back. I got to mix two of my favorite things in one outing! How cool is that?!

And guess what? Ohio's turning blue today! I can feel it!

Thursday, November 02, 2006

And No One Can Stop Me!

Hey there. Guess what. It's the morning. Aren't I a wild woman mixing it up over here posting in the morning rather than the afternoon. C-R-A-Z-Y, I tell you!

I am posting because I am giddy that I don't have to write that brief and my legs feel pretty darn good this morning (oh and I just finished guzzling a venti Starbucks coffee). I am going to run at lunch and I'm actually excited and not dreading the inevitable ick feeling of running on ick legs. Don't get me wrong. There's no way my legs are miraculously healed. It surely won't be a particularly comfortable run today but I have a feeling it will be better than the last couple. I am going to run outside in the cold too which will provide a numbing effect so if I beat the hell out of my legs I won't even notice! Heh. Ok, that's a joke.

Running outside will be nice though, fo' real. I have to say the treadmill sucks all kinds of ass. I think it might have actually exacerbated my problems. For one, I tend to run a little faster on treadmills than I should. And two, I run differently on the treadmill. And three, mrp insists there's some weird law that the treadmill is like a trampoline and pushes back every time you step making every stop worse than if you ran on concrete. I don't know if I buy that totally, but I think the change in running form is really the biggest problem with hamster wheel running. Also, it's boring and confining and awkward to have people you work with milling around while you have headphones on and can't hear them and also are in skimpy shorts with your ass cheeks on the verge of exposing themselves and your boobs potentially bouncing up and down (if you had any to speak of). The sad fact is that in a month or two I will have to run on the deathmill for at least a large chunk of my runs because of darkness and ice and stuff so why do it now when I don't have to. Plus, I ran on the moving belt from hell only twice in the past 7 months so I am probably doing myself no favors by running on it a lot before easing my body back into that kind of running. So dammit, I'm running outside today!

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

I Am More Than One Leg

I'm really annoyed that my legs don't feel better. I am trying to get a hold of my doctor to get a referral to a sports chiropractor. I figure since the same thing keeps coming back I should probably try to get it treated. I've successfully overcome it several times, but there in lies the problem. I my triumph over my it band is merely temporary until I do something stupid like run around San Francisco and then do 12 miles on already a little sore legs two weeks after my first marathon. I was thinking though that I've felt this bad during training but then I didn't care because I had a training schedule to stick to. Now I don't so I feel compelled to take it easy and not run as much as and wherever I want to when I feel ouchy. And I suppose I should stop feeling like a defected person because my leg hurts. That would probably help too.

In other news last night I freaked out and thought I had two days to write an ~20 page brief! I was so upset because I just lost track of the time and felt dumb. I wasn't procrastinating as I really wanted to write this and write it well. I even worked last night on it and then got in this morning around 7Am and started cranking out the pages. Around 11 though I got a reprieve. It turns out we just have to file a notice pleading. That means we type up three pages of mostly pre-fab formalities. It's a plug and chug job really. I am so happy! But I took this opportunity to talk to my boss about time-management and organization. I feel these are my 2 biggest weaknesses as an employee and definitely cause me the most pain. You might find this ironic that I say this as I type this post at my desk. However, I feel that an afternoon dump of mainly non-work related thoughts helps me maintain focus. Yes, this is an excuse, but I've thought about it and think it's a legitimate one. So take it or leave it. Heh.

Oh and other than making excuses, I'm still dedicating this month to peace, tranquility, and getting stuff done.