Thursday, February 15, 2007

Freaking out Laying off and Gearing up

This is going to be a looooong post. Brace yourselves!

On Tuesday we ended up with a nasty blizzard. Work closed early so of course the wussy lazy fitness center had to close and I couldn't get in my run. Instead mrp and I joined some of my co-workers for dinner before trudging all the way home on the tundra highway. Mrp drove us like a champ! Unfortunately, when we got home we had to tackle the driveway. Mrp started it while I took care of my chicky stuff inside. Once I was done with that I put on my be-pompommed boots and joined in the shoveling fun. The next morning you would never know we had shoveled! Everything was a snow-covered disaster. I drove us and was doing ok with just the usual smattering of swears here and there. That is until we came within 5 miles of downtown. As the highway drifted closer to the lake, the winds drifted and blew the snow all over the highway. I could hardly see. Plus, since Cleveland is the land of hoopties we came upon many a moron driving 5mph with their hazards on--on the damn frewway. The snow was relatively deep and having to slow down just messed with the momentum which in turn messed with my sanity. Between not being able to see the road and having to dodge and weave morons I was a stressed out wreck--seriously, on the verge of a panic attack. Maybe mrp didn't understand my level of distress. He sat on his side quietly only occasionally giving me pointers like "don't get to close to the edge" and "no, keep going to W 3rd." My adrenaline was pumping like crazy as visions of donuts and multi-car accidents and getting stuck in snow drifts danced in my head. On one hand I want to be reassured and sympathized with in these situations. On the other, how does one reassure and sympathize with a crazed stress case? On the other other hand, as I want reassurance and sympathy more I vocalize my panic more. On the other other other hand, as I vocalize my panic more one is less and less inclined to offer fuzzy notions of reassurance and sympathy. Paradox.


Anyway, we made it off the freeway and I was stressfully navigating the snow strewn city streets when we came behind a big ugly bus that needed to stop. Again, messing with my momentum. More stress. Argh! So, I got mad and pushed on to pass speeding up and when I was almost passing a bus all of a sudden this dude darts right in front of me!! I pictured his body rolling up onto my hood and his head smashed on my windshield, blood everywhere. My brakes slammed. My mouth screamed and then mrp very uncharacteristically screamed at me "calm the fuck down!" and I screamed back "fuck you!" and then sobbbbbbbb. I just lost it. All the stress came flooding out and I turned the corner, disregarding the left arrow with the red line over it and parked in the expensive covered parking garage. I turned the car off and just stared, almost shocked. I looked at mrp. I couldn't speak. We walked into the building. I felt alone. We said goodbye. I arrived in my office. A replay of that dude running in front of my car played in my brain. I sat down and saw my fingers trembling. I wiped a few more tears and felt better. Two hours later, I felt a pit in my stomach. I dialed mrp and apologized. We talked about it. I need to work on not getting so worked up. Mrp's learning how to help. We're both working on how to understand our tempermental differences. I'm a tamale. He's a cucumber.


One thing I need to better understand about him is his incessant need to do things the hard way even when sick. The dude is complaining about how bad he feels all night and then proceeds to insist on hand shoveling the driveway even when there is a plow a few houses down that I could get and we are both professionals who make decent money and work longish hours. Sometimes, I can see where it's fun to shovel the driveway. But not when sick. Not when you did it just the night before. Not when the windchill is below zero. I love that mrp is so dedicated to his principles and hard-working. I LOVE it. Really. I aspire to it. But, when you're sick!? Come on. And then we get inside the house and he starts to do the three dishes in the sink. I refused to let him and made him sit down and drink a glass of oj while I did them. But he chugged it and within seconds was up with the broom! ARGH! Sit down and rest for one minute!!!! Let me take care of you!!!!! I think that's why it bothers me. When he is feeling bad I want to take care of him like I feel he takes care of me. When he won't let me I feel like I'm failing him a bit. All he lets me do is feed him, I swear. Oh, and how am I supposed to be a lazy wuss when I get a cold after this precedent? Sigh. I love my cucumbery ant extraordinaire!


As for other stuff..ok, running...yesterday I had a great run! I did a 5-mile tempo. I started out around goal MP (~7:15 or so). I then dropped it to ~7:00 for the second mile and then at the 2 mile point I dropped it down to about goal HM pace (~6:50). I held steady to 4.5 miles. At that point I dropped the pace down to 6:32 or so. I felt comfortable the whole time. I am so pleased. I have a 5k coming up on Saturday and a ½ marathon the following Sunday and I feel like I’m in good shape. For the 5k I have to remind myself that it’s not my goal race and that I haven’t been training to run a fast 5k so that race might not be all that and I shouldn’t let a sub-optimal performance get me down about the half should I have a sub-optimal performance. Then for the half I have to remember that that’s not my goal race either. My goal race is the marathon and I’ll still have 7 weeks of training after the half so it’s not worth breaking myself to log a fast time. On the other hand, short of breaking myself, I’m gunning for a fast time! Woo!

Otherwise, I am also happy about yesterday’s workout because my legs felt so crappy after Sunday’s 20 miler. Yet, after my hard run yesterday my legs felt fine. My heel was a little sore but that’s normal after sitting around all day after running. I don’t know why the 20’s have been just killing me this training session. Over the summer I handled them fine. This training cycle I feel fine on the 16-18 mile harder runs but then get wrecked by 20-mile easy runs. I just don’t get it. I can think of several reasons. It could be that I’m running them too hard, but I doubt that. I’ve averaged in the 8:20’s for both the 20’s I’ve done so far this winter. It could be the relatively major hillage or perhaps the fact that I’m running on paved cambered roads rather than flat dirt trails. Last summer I ran the 20’s on a flat trail, even dirt trail. It could also be that I’m getting dehydrated or because I’m not taking in any fuel. Over the summer I drank water and took a gu during the long runs—this time nada. Or maybe it’s because I’m a bad person. Yeah, that’s it—heh.

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