Friday, March 02, 2007

Wonky-armed Terrorist in a Crumb-covered Bunny Suit

Heh. It says "butt paste" over there on the wall next to me. And can I tell you how perplexed I am at my wonky arm? In every picture of me running my left arm is swinging across my body. I feel normal when I run, I swear! But I look like a freak (and short--don't I look short? and melon headed? Damn I have some chubby cheeks!) Oh, and that is the Superdome, y'all! Seriously, just a year and a half ago there were people overheated, undernourished, and stranded there. Sigh.

Anyway, I am fighting off some serious writer's block. I need to get this amicus brief written, yet I cannot seem to get started. It isn't even going to be long or anything, but I just can't seem to find my awesome lawyer voice. Sigh.

In other news, mrp and I got in a bit of a fight last night. As most of you know I am seriously slobby. I admit it. My slobitude is sometimes conscious, but mostly unconscious--it is just not wired in my brain to be neat, tidy, etc. I wish it was and I do try very hard, but I'm a mess when you get right down to it. Anyway, something you may or may not know about me is that I am very affectionate and likes me some cuddles. Sometimes I get carried away and cuddle mrp every five minutes. Aww, it's so cute you're drinking oj. *cuddle* Oh, how sweet it is you're getting dressed. *cuddle* Look at widdew mrpy-schmerpy put his shoes on. *cuddle* Eeeee. You're brushing your teeth. *cuddle* Mrp makes me very happy and schmoopy and that is generally good, but that in turns makes me a cuddle terrorizer. heh. Anyway, last night these two traits collided. I had a water glass next to the remote AND was eating cookies (and getting crumbs) on the couch--both things which mrp doesn't find ideal. I thought nothing of it, however. Mrp on the other hand noticed and was somewhat annoyed although since he is male he did not register the emotion and in turn did not communicate to me that anything was wrong (save for a "you're not going to eat those cookies on the couch are you?" "Um, yeah, but I'll vaccuum this weekend!" *eyeroll*). Later, he was all cute and looking at the rain out the window and *cuddle* and he said "can't I ever get any peace around here." I was taken a back. Mrp is NEVER mean. Sometimes he isn't into cuddling and says so, but he's never mean to me about it or anything else for that matter. Plus, the meanness seemed out of nowhere. I had no warning. I was feeling all warm and fuzzy and lovey and then all of a sudden I felt like a fool! A fool, I tell you!

Anyway, as it turned out he didn't mean to be mean, but his emotions got ahead of him, just like sometimes mine get ahead of me. But it did scare me and it did conjure up all kinds of bad memories of meanness pasts, that mrp of course has nothing to do with. It took me awhile for the pain to dissipate--like I said it was somewhat shocking that mrp even had a hint of mean and it dredged up old feelings and fears and insecurities. But mrp understood why it hurt and why he did it and how to avoid it in the future and I realized that sometimes my behavior flirts with the meanness line too. I guess in the end it's never bad to be reminded that meanness has no place in the orchard from either of us!

It's also never bad to be reminded that we have to be conscious of our differences and respect each other's differences. Mrp and I share a lot of very important things--like values and ideals and senses of humor and love of hot sauce and Slovenian last names that no one can pronounce right and blue/gray hazel eyes. But we are very different in some ways--the old tamale/cucumber dichotomy and you might also consider the turtle/hare pace differential as one of the biggees. These differences both provide balance but also something to cause tension as well. It will always be a challenge for us to maximize the balance and minimize the tension. It always starts with acceptance. I know that even when I feel like I need cuddles and love and attention or when the tortoise's pace is driving me nuts, I love mrp and I will accept that sometimes I need to comfort myself and sometimes I need to wait for him to catch up to me. I know life can change. I can't completely predict how I'll feel in five years, bla bla bla. But I'd bet the farm that I'll be messy, cuddly, struggling with impatience, and still madly in love with my mrp. Sigh.

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