* Hmmm. What is going on? I feel totally normal today. Well, not totally normal, but relative to yesterday normal, I guess. Yesterday I felt crampy all day and I had so much pressure in my lower back and deep in my pelvis. When mrp and I were walking to the car I felt like I had one loooooong contractions all the way there. I was pretty miserable. But after dinner last night I took a long hot bath and turned the jets on full boar. It felt so good and was so relaxing. I realized then and there that I was doing precisely what I didn't want to do.
And what would that be? Obsessing and micromanaging and trying to make something happen. I couldn't help to think back to the whole marathon/stress thing. One can run a marathon and trust her body to do what it has trained to do and let it dictate how things go. Or one can stress and tense up and obsess over splits and water and gu and every little thing. What if a contraction I feel turns into labor? Obsessing about it now won't change anything. And really, the liklihood is it's not labor. So I should assume that at first. I'll only be wrong once, as mrp pointed out to me when we were chatting about this this morning. If it is labor, labor will show itself eventually. I should save my energy and just let it happen. And if it's not labor, so what? My body is prepping and getting ready for labor and I should use these non-labor contractions as a learning opportunity.
Over the last few days I felt myself falling into this pattern of thinking: if I don't go soon I don't know what I'll do! Having the baby asap = good. Having to wait a few days, a week or two = bad (and worse as you go down that line!) This is not unlike the pre-marathon thinking process. Running goal time = good. Running anything slower than my goaltime no matter what = bad. And it's not just good or bad, it's about self-worth: I am good if I have the baby tomorrow or run my goal time, but there is something wrong with me if I have the baby in two weeks or if I run slower than I wanted to. But really, is it? Of course not. Just like every race, particularly a disappointing one, offers up an opportunity to learn and grow as a runner, every extra day I have before peanut's arrival is an opportunity to savor the just the two of us with mrp and being able to do things on my own time. Don't get me wrong. I am so unbelievably excited to meet my son and squeeze the chubby little legs that have been kicking me relentlessly over the weeks. I can't wait to kiss those chubby cheeks and blow on that belly and dance in my living room with him in my arms. Ahh, I say I cannot wait. But that is just a figure of speech. I can wait and I can do it happily.
If you haven't done so, please enter our contest and take a stab at guessing peanut's birthday and birth weight!
* For some reason, every now and then work allows me to access blogger. I am taking advantage of it and drafting a normal non-e-mail post! Hopefully, this is not an IT Department/Big Brother trap to see what hellions dare blog at work!