Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Begrudgingly Responsible

Mrp let me use his laptop. It's his work laptop so I have to be extra extra nice to it. (e.g no coffee within 3 feet!) I am about 90% sure I am going to get a mac, but I am just not ready to bite the bullet. I am in the middle of my last 6 weeks of maternity leave and I am forgoing 3 paychecks in the process. I have a small savings, but I think it's best I wait at least until I'm getting paid again. I would gladly be less responsible in the past, but with peanut and my desire to at least pursue other career paths soon I have to be more careful.

In other news, I am still fat. I cannot stand it. I have held steady at 17 lbs over my pre-pregnancy weight for 3 weeks now! It's killing me. I still can't fit into my fat clothes so I am going to have to get new clothes to go back to work in 3.5 weeks. I considered dieting, but I can't while nursing. Again, I would totally get all crazy with a diet before peanut, but the responsible thing is to eat healthfully when I'm hungry and that's what I'm doing. The only junk I'm eating are the occasional tofutti cutie or soggy life cereal with rice milk (which is my 3rd love!) Oh, too much dairy irritates the nut's tummy so I'm off that for a while (I can have small amounts of cheese with no repurcussions, but drinking milk or eating ice cream, sour cream, lots of cheese is totally off limits lest poor peanut writhes around in gassy agony). I cut out the cookies and any other junk. I have been snacking on roasted almonds and raisins and the occasional Kashi cheese cracker. I eat natural pb and j's on whole wheat or Amy's organic soups for lunch. I've been making lean fish for dinner a couple of times a week and serving it with sweet potato hash or whole grain pilaf and salad and the other nights are veggie burgers or whole wheat spaghetti.

Why am I still so fat?! Is it hormones? Mrp says my body is making muscle so it will take a while. Did I really lose that much muscle when I was pregnant? In all honesty, the one pair of nonmaternity jeans I own that I can fit in are getting loose, but still none of my other old clothes fit. And even worse, my wedding rings still don't fit! And the scale is still freaking me out!

Here's where I lay it all out. During the racing season I weighed 127 with occasional dips as low as 124 (probably dehydration!) Click here to see what I looked like at this weight. In the winter time I'd usually hover between 130-133 lbs. Click here to see what I looked like at this weight. My size 0 or 2 clothes still fit at that weight. I realize that these weight numbers seem high for those sizes, but I've always been a bit dense I guess--slavic genes? So, doing the math I now weigh 149! Yikes! I have never ever ever weighed this much. When I first went to the doctor for my 6 week appointment they had me at 156!!! I almost passed out when I heard that! Like I said, no matter what the number I refuse to deal with it irresponsibly. I am trying to have faith that it will melt off and that I will get back under 130 eventually. But being a type-A goal-oriented person it kills me to have to sit here and be patient about it! That is until I look at my adoreable little peanut. It's worth it. And it will come off and I will get back into those clothes if I keep eating healthfully and keep nursing and running--right?

8 comments:

Mnowac said...

I'm sorry you are struggling to get the weight off. I think you look great, but I know that doesn't really matter. I have read in several books that when you are breast feeding you body has a really hard time letting go of the last 10-15 lbs b/c it wants to store it for milk production. It could have something to do with that? And what MRP is saying about muscle makes sense too. Remember it took 9 months to put it on....it'll take awhile and sometimes your body never goes right back to where it was. You will get there, you are active and once it is warmer out and you are bouncing around outside with the Nut, I'm sure it'll come off.

On another note, can you please send me any details you have on how your sister put together that cute Bingo game from your shower? Did she make the cards herself? Get them done somewhere? I thought it was a great idea, and totally want to steal it :)

As for the computer...they have such great deals out there right now, maybe you could buy one and do a one year same as cash deal and make payments? So it doesn't hurt the pocket book so bad? Does your work offer any discounts on computers, mine does.

solarsquirrel said...

Listen - you just had a BABY! Give yourself a little credit! The weight will come off, it will just take a bit of time. You've probably lost a bit of muscle, which will slow your metabolism down a bit. Also, I'm guessing that your body is fighting with all it's might to keep that weight on to allow you to provide milk. I'm guessing within a few months the weight will melt off of you. Don't obsess about it - just eat health and exercise moderately. You'll get there, girl! Besides - you look great as it is!!!!!

Joann said...

Don't worry, I'm sure the weight will come off, it just takes time. Sounds like your doing the right things though, so just stick with it.

About the laptop, any reason you want a mac? You could get a PC for a lot les $$$.

DC Running Mama said...

Hey there--I know how frustrating it can be to not lose weight...still haven't lost any since 2 weeks post partum and Nathan is 11 weeks now and I'm running a lot now. Maybe you are gaining muscle? Maybe the body needs to store some fat to breastfeed? I've heard both sides of the coin...some friends say that they didn't lose all the weight until they stopped breastfeeding. Some said they weighed less BECAUSE they were breastfeeding. I guess everyone is different. I have read that the most weight loss from breastfeeding comes at 3-6 months. We'll see.

Also, re: your comment about finding the time to run...my hubby has a flexible job that allows him to work from home after 4:30 (he starts work at 6-7:30 am), so he watches Nathan while I run then. I don't know what I will do when I go back to work! You might find that your Nate starts taking longer naps around 8-10 weeks. Just last week (10 weeks) my Nathan started taking 1-1.5 hour naps in the morning and sometimes afternoon. That should help with fitting in runs!

RGSMOM said...

Don't beat yourself up. I started running immediately after Rory and it took me a year to lose the weight. It seemed to me that once I stopped nursing at 1 year. Literally the last 10 pounds disappeared in a matter of weeks. It was so werid . Also once she started juice and water mixed at around 8 months that seemed to help too. with the fisrt 5 pounds of 15. Does that make sense ? Anyway I need to start racing again too.

Clare said...

count me in as one more breastfeeder trying to lose. i actually was just below pre-preg weight within 10 days pp, but promptly gained 6-7 lbs once breastfeeding picked up, along with my appetite (for peanut butter). i think we need faith...

jsmarslender said...

I agree with what's been said - your body is in flux after the baby, maintaining weight for breastfeeding and regaining muscle. Be encouraged though. I understand wanting to make a plan, set a goal and get to it but try not to get too frustrated. You're eating well and you're running and that's great. I like that you're determined to be healthy in this process. Mnowac's right - you'll be out more when the weather warms and that'll help too. Also think that DCRunningMama might be right about the 3-6 month weight loss.

jen said...

i didn't lose the last 15 lbs until i stopped nursing. something about maternal fat stores. or the amount of food i ate.