Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Dreamland

For just $4.50 plus s&h I ordered my second copy of the book, Guerilla Tactics for Getting the Legal Job of Your Dreams. The first copy is somewhere buried in a box in the attic of my mother's garage and the walking path to said attic is buried under feet of snow. But, I need that book. Oh, do I need that book!

There is something about me that I put up with something and try making the best of it until one day I realize that no matter how hard I work at it I cannot make it into what I want it to be all by myself. Scandal alert! I was married for the latter half of my 20's to someone I was thoroughly incompatible with. Looking back, it made no sense to anyone who knew me why I was married to this person. Yet, I stayed married to him for 5 years. I ultimately decided enough was enough one day. I had been working tirelessly to make things better for years. I never gave up. I focused on the positive and down-played the negatives. And one day after spending a lot of my free time by myself I realize that no matter how hard I worked at this relationship it would never ever be a good one. I couldn't single-handedly force it into what I needed and so with no fan-fare whatsoever I said good bye. Of course there is much more to the story than that and I have always taken marriage very seriously, but I assure you this was the most obvious right thing to do and up until that point it was obvious to everyone but me.

Now here I sit at my kitchen table as my son swings back and forth next to me in his little private dreamland. (Aw! He is talking in his sleep!) Over the last almost 11 weeks I have come to realize the same thing about my job. Everyone who really knows me must have been wondering what the hell I was doing working as a corporate drone. I know I was attracted to the stability and predictability--the safety of the job. But now that I have had time to think about it, I am so bored and feel so uninspired there. I feel so far away from the best career-person I can be and the thought of ditching peanut all day for this job really rubs me the wrong way. Throw in the fact that they refused to allow me to move my schedule up one measly hour earlier and yeah, I'm over it.

And just like getting divorced and embarking on newly single life is scary, so is quitting a job. Of course, it will be much easier if I have a rebound at the ready. So that is where I am now, wondering whether there really is something better out there. In the universe of husbands my risk so so so paid off and I really did find my perfect match. Oh sweet beautiful mrp, did I! But, now I am in career purgatory. Heading back home to a job I do not love and hoping and wishing and crossing fingers for one that I do.

And this is the stuff I think about on my treadmill in my basement. That and when the heck am I going to fit back into my clothes?!

5 comments:

DC Running Mama said...

Staying home with a baby definitely allows one plenty of time to think about life, how we want to live it, and what is important. I don't think that there is one true answer to what kind of career works...unlike a husband...because I don't think there is a career that is a perfect fit. I have spent the better part of my life trying to figure out what I want to do with my career and I don't feel too much closer. I do know, however, what I don't want in a career...long hours, contentious environment, work without some greater purpose, not family friendly. Knowing what you don't want is a great way to start...and it is exciting to reinvent yourself. "Necessity is the mother of invention." Know what you need from a job and you will figure out something that works!

tracie said...

Awesome post!!!

I totally understand where you are coming from (except for the adorable peanut part!) both on the relationship and job end.

There truly has to be an employer out there that will give you a great job that fits into what your life priorities and needs are!

Good luck on the search!

Joann said...

Good for you! Find something that you love and that keeps you motivated and inspired! Good luck!

Katie said...

Like the other commenters, I thought this was a great post! I'm recently married--and no baby yet--but that's the plan in the next year or so. I really like my current job but wonder how I'd be able to work for me if I had kids and wanted a more flexible schedule. It's a small company (there are 10 of us) so it's a conversation I'll have to have with my boss when start renegotiating my contract (as in, we're not covered by FMLA but I'll want to include a provision for some sort of maternity leave). Good times.

Good luck finding the *right* job!

solarsquirrel said...

I am completely aligned with you on the career thing. (Did you see this? http://solarsquirrel.com/blog/?p=232 )

Anyway - I was 'forced' to rethink things a bit early since being laid off at the end of Nov., but I refuse to let history repeat itself and every job interview I go on is a reflection of that. I'm not willing to do work that I don't believe in and I'm not willing to take a job that is uninspiring. It may take longer to find that job, but when I'm lying on my death bed I'm not going to have any regrets!