Friday, February 27, 2009

My Hour

I would love to take this opportunity to pour my heart out to you. However, I am afraid that the wrong people may read what I have to write here. The chances are slim and part of me is all like, who cares! but the other part of me wants to keep my cards close to the vest. 

This week has been very very difficult for me.  It was my first week back at work for full days. By Wednesday night I had had it. I came home.  Tore my shoes off and ran to the middle of the living room and showered peanut with kisses as he grabbed my hair and ate fistfuls of it. He was grunty and slobbery and I was sobbing.  

Here is a synopsis of each day.  Mrp strokes my hand to wake me up at 6:45. Since peanut is sleeping with me, I gingerly try to escape the bed without rousing him.  Usually I fail and he opens his eyes and smiles a big grin at me and we play in bed for 5 minutes or so as we both try to fully wake up. I take him into the bathroom and he lounges on his boppy while I shower and do the ol' hair and makeup.  Then I dress my lower half and take peanut into the living room to change his diaper (and boy does he need it since I almost never change it in the middle of the night anymore! ew!) Then I set him down on his play mat for some fun while I get his milk and my gym bag together.  Then I pick him up to nurse for a little snack to buy as much time before he needs a bottle as possible and for a little last minute cuddling. Then I dress my top half and pack up the nut with his mallory the monkey and we're off to the sitter's around 8:00.  

By the time we get there, he's passed out so I drop him off with little to no fanfare (partly to keep him asleep and partly to avoid a full on crying meltdown on my part) and then I zip off to work. I get to work grab some coffee and hunker down for a long day of suppressing my emotions.  I have  a wonderful hour respite from this when I meet my friends for a lunchtime run, before I'm back for the last 3 hours of stoicism. At 4:30 I start anxiously awaiting mrp's phone call reporting peanut's status.  And at 5:00 on the dot I run out the door to the parking lot, jump in my car and drive like a maniac to get home ASAP because time is ticking. 

I arrive home around 5:40 and jump on peanut and play and laugh and squeeze every last drop out of his last waking minutes of the day.  Around 6:00 we head upstairs for a bath. When peanut hits the water he squints his eyes and because these days he is so tired from his nap strike (he pretty much refuses to nap at the sitter's house) he has a very difficult time reopening them. But he loves kicking and splashing in the bath so he valiantly manages some half-hearted splashes as I hurriedly wash him up. Then when we're back downstairs he gives up the fight and starts crying as I dress him and by 6:15 we're in the rocker as he nurses himself to sleep for the night. 

If you add up the time peanut and I spend together each day I work a full day, it's about an hour.  Yeah. 

How do other people do this and do this for years? I couldn't do it for 5 days in a row. I got what I needed to get done this week and took today off to spend with my baby.  I have never seen peanut as happy as he was this morning! And if I didn't have another week of this looming over my head, I dare say I would be just about that happy too!


Mnowac said...

oh honey, I don't know the answer, but I am sending you a big hug!

Clare said...

oh boy. maybe he'll figure out the nap thing and then be able to stay up longer? google "reverse cycling" if you haven't heard of it...and make the peanut read it too! i'll share my horror stories next week...maybe it'll help!

Mimi said...

Hi. I went through the hassle of joining a google/blogger to comment on your post! I commented once before giving you some post pregnancy workouts several months ago.(Just telling you who I am). The first time I commented it got broadcast across my entire google group I have for some musicians, they all read my comments to you. This time I joined under my husband's email to get some privacy. Anyway, back to you.
I've been reading your blog because I stumbled upon it and was interested initially because I am a runner with roughly the same pr's as you and I liked to read the running stuff. Then came peanut. And I've enjoyed reading about your life with him.
I have four kids now. I don't want to pressure you, but, quit your job!!!! Your little family will find it's way and you'll get to do what you want, raise your baby yourself. It's so worth it. No pressure of course, just trying to happily tell you that it looks clear from the outside, what your decision should be. You might be broke for a while but you'll find your way. It's worth tightening the belt and you'll get back on your feet eventually. Go for it, you'll never regret it.

jsmarslender said...

I read this post yesterday and spent a little while thinking about working moms and stay at home moms and what I want as a mom. I just read Mimi's comment too. You know, I'm guessing that you and mrp know what you both want for your new family. And this - having a little one (or two or three!) - is a short time of life too. I think women can find great fulfillment in their careers and as moms but I also believe we don't need to feel obligated or pressured to do both at once. I have only heard women express joy at their decision to quit jobs to be moms fulltime (aren't we moms fulltime already?). And women who can speak from experience, looking back and not regretting quitting their jobs - they encourage me. One of my friends stayed home for five or six years before returning to teaching when both of her kids were school age. You and mrp will figure things out. Until then, smooch your little peanut, cuddle, and enjoy the weekend.

Vince A. said...

No kidding, great accomplishment. Rest up and do it again. It gets (a little) easier, we promise!

DC Running Mama said...

I wonder, too, how people leave their babies for years. Does it get better when they become more self sufficient? There has to be a happy medium. I feel that a few hours away would actually be rejuvenating and make me a better mother...but 8, 9, 10 hours away and am I really even his mother any more? Or just the person that tucks him in to bed at night?