Thursday, March 05, 2009
So I am sitting here at work for what feels like the millionth day in a row agonizing about what the "right" thing to do is. Peanut still refuses to sleep at the sitter's house and it's just killing me to see him so overtired and unable to develop healthy sleeping habits, let alone wondering what he is doing all day when he should be napping! And then thinking about all those waking hours that I could be there enjoying with him. And then thinking about my half hour with him while he's awake tonight that will likely be rushed and hurried and glassy-eyed and of course the heart-breaking falling asleep in the bathtub routine. I feel like my sweet little almost 15 week-old peanut is screaming at me for help with his sleep problems and there isn't a darn thing I can do about it. It kills me!
It seems clear to me that he is not developmentally ready to make such huge changes and to be away from his parents for so much of his day. Maybe some babies are ready at 3 months, but not peanut. He seems very sensitive and in need of a lot of closeness and affection. He has always struggled with sleeping and has always needed a lot of help to go to sleep and stay asleep.
That is what my instincts say. But then sometimes I second-guess myself. Am I just wanting him to miss me and cling to me as much as I miss him and want to cling to him? I am glad I challenge myself like this, really. But it just isn't the case. I feel the way I do about peanut's needs during both the good times and the bad, in the morning and in the night, at work and at home, on a run and in my sleep. I feel like the whole going back to work thing requires some women to turn off their instincts and detatch from the jedi mind meld they have with their babies. I can't do that. I WON'T do it. I don't care what it takes.
I just took a break from writing to answer a call from mrp. He is so sweet and wonderful. He is going to head out with me for a run during our lunch time to talk about all this. At least, no matter what, I have a wonderful family!
Posted by The Salty One at 8:41 AM