Thursday, March 05, 2009

And Sometimes Not Coping Very Well

So I am sitting here at work for what feels like the millionth day in a row agonizing about what the "right" thing to do is.  Peanut still refuses to sleep at the sitter's house and it's just killing me to see him so overtired and unable to develop healthy sleeping habits, let alone wondering what he is doing all day when he should be napping! And then thinking about all those waking hours that I could be there enjoying with him. And then thinking about my half hour with him while he's awake tonight that will likely be rushed and hurried and glassy-eyed and of course the heart-breaking falling asleep in the bathtub routine.  I feel like my sweet little almost 15 week-old peanut is screaming at me for help with his sleep problems and there isn't a darn thing I can do about it. It kills me!

It seems clear to me that he is not developmentally ready to make such huge changes and to be away from his parents for so much of his day.  Maybe some babies are ready at 3 months, but not peanut. He seems very sensitive and in need of a lot of closeness and affection. He has always struggled with sleeping and has always needed a lot of help to go to sleep and stay asleep.  

That is what my instincts say. But then sometimes I second-guess myself. Am I just wanting him to miss me and cling to me as much as I miss him and want to cling to him? I am glad I challenge myself like this, really.  But it just isn't the case. I feel the way I do about peanut's needs during both the good times and the bad, in the morning and in the night, at work and at home, on a run and in my sleep.  I feel like the whole going back to work thing requires some women to turn off their instincts and detatch from the jedi mind meld they have with their babies.  I can't do that. I WON'T do it.  I don't care what it takes.  

I just took a break from writing to answer a call from mrp. He is so sweet and wonderful.  He is going to head out with me for a run during our lunch time to talk about all this. At least, no matter what, I have a wonderful family!


Mnowac said...

I certainly am no help b/c my baby isn't here, but I was wondering if there is a way that you 2 can stagger your work schedules? Like can M go in really early and leave earlier to pick up Peanut? Do either of you have the flex time option? Is there anyway to talk your employer into letting you work like 2 hours a day from home? Or something like that? Or is it a hard 8 hour day for both, no matter what?

Mama Simmons said...

Trust your instincts. I really think that sometimes babies need their moms, and no one else but mom will do. No one can get Moana to eat and sleep like I can. No one.
I got laid off when I was 6 months pregnant and at the time I thought it was the worst thing ever. Now I'm so glad. We live on a tighter budget now for sure without my income, but for us its been worth it.

Clare said...

i'd definitely be searching out other employment options...part time ones. i've just been back to work for 3 days (and only one was 8 hours) and although andra doesn't seem to miss me (grandma's here for a month) i think if she did i would go nuts too. i'm guessing you at least are comfortable with the sitter and think she's doing everything she can to help him sleep?

Mimi said...

Follow your gut!! Quit working and in the evening you can search out other means of bringing in a little extra income. I feel a little guilty prodding you to quit your job. I'm just telling you, as a total stranger, whose never met you, from hundreds of miles away,with no business telling anyone what to do,probably a good bit older than you( 43) and with 4 kids, that it's o.k. to quit your job! I realize that I say this not having the slightest idea about your finances and that we are total strangers. I think some women have a jumbo nurturing side. Go with it. I told you last week, you'll never regret it. Instincts usually tell us exactly what to do. Those who work full time? More power to you. Those who stay home? Good for you. I'm on the side of all of us women. We all have to find our way as Mothers. If your husband backs you up, use your good minds to find a way to make it work. You can do it. I hope I'm not offensive with my (friendly) assault. It's written from the heart. You're quality of life will sky rocket I bet. Go for it!!!!!!!! ps I think you've been brave to try to work out the work. And I'll think you are brave if you decide to stay on. AND, I'll think you are brave if you quit and drive home one day. All of this takes guts. Ugh. So hard.

jsmarslender said...

I hope you and mrp had a good talk. Carve some time and space for yourself this weekend - find a quiet place to think. Or go for a good run. So much good thinking happens on a good run. Enjoy your baby time this weekend too.

DC Running Mama said...

Back when I first started working, there was this woman in my office that had a baby and came back to work and quit within a month. At the time, I thought she was this big, weak emotion. In fact, I probably had that attitude about SAHMs in general. But, now that I have my own son...I feel very differently. This decision is similar to the our choices about religion. There is no one right answer, just the one that works for you.