Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Waiting


I am not sure why but I feel so down in the dumps today.  It could be the yuck winter weather. I decided to take today as my off day so I could get a much needed haircut (I haven't had one since July--Hello, Crystal Gale!) But no, I don't think it's the weather.  After my chat with the boss last week I was in a really good mood--it went unexpectedly well, afterall.  But since then I've had a lot of time to ponder things.  On my drive home last night it occurred to me how sad it is that I was so excited that my boss said "maybe."  My expectations for this place are so low, that a maybe was worth celebrating. There are things I like about my job. There really are, but there are so many things about it that I hate to be perfectly honest. It is so much easier for me to just stay here. Mrp and I won't have to worry about money and I can keep plugging along as I have been.  The next easiest thing is for me to work here part-time because we won't have to worry about money all that much and I would have more time with peanut.  The absolute most difficult thing for me to do is to quit here. Then I have to find a way to make some money to pay our bills and also to keep my career afloat.  The time with peanut would be awesome, if I'm not up to my eyeballs in stress and hurtling like a meteor towards a depression.  All that free time sounds at once a dream come true and utterly frightening.

I would say this dawned on me today, but it's been building. As I contemplate these big possibilities, I can't ignore the fact that in the short term this schedule is crushing me.  During the week I have virtually no time to myself. I sleep with peanut. I wake up and usually he wakes up with me--although he has mercifully slept in and given me 20 minutes to get some things done these past few mornings! He's with me as I get ready for work and I have to tend to him as needed. I have my drive from the sitter's to work, I suppose. Then I get to work.  I do insist on taking a longish lunch everyday to get a run in except for the days I have a lunch date or do something else for myself like get a haircut.  That is my precious time. I pity the day someone tries to stake claim to it! Of course, then I have my afternoon at work. Then I have to rush home from work so I have some time to spend with peanut. We have so much fun this hour or so I couldn't imagine missing it to run on days I can't run at lunch or do something else I need to do.  So, I never do anything except rush straight home. And then after that I give him his bath and then nurse him for 45 minutes or so to sleep.  Then I have to tend to him  every time he wakes up until I want to go to bed. Sometimes he'll give me an hour without waking up, but lately I am lucky to get just enough time to eat dinner. I love peanut so much and most of the time I am overjoyed to just be near him, but really this is really wearing on me.  If I make mrp hold him so I can get something else done, I feel guilty. Either peanut's crying or he's staring at me waiting for me to finish. Sometimes I wish mrp would do more to get him back to sleep, but then there probably isn't much he can do.  With the current arrangement, nothing short of mom will do, I guess. While his need or want or wish for me is really sweet, it's also very oppressive at times.  He is always better on the weekends when we spend more time with him. I feel like I need to spend some time with him to work on becoming a little more independent, but obviously that's pretty tough when I'm working full time.  The good news is that except for a couple of days related to his teething (he now has two teeth!), he is sleeping much better at the sitter's, so I suppose I could start being a little more aggressive trying to get him down by himself for longer stretches.  If nothing else, this is one of many reasons that the safest easiest option is not necessarily the best one!

Sometimes, like right now, I am scared that I'm damned if I work and I'm damned if I don't.  But then I think about quitting and I realize that as the riskiest move that's not such a bad thing.  Sometimes we have to take big risks to get the big rewards.  

Maybe I'd feel better if they just gave their decision already so I could start planning my life.

2 comments:

ramblings of a runnner said...

hang in there. you are not alone with any of your thoughts. I don't even have a kid yet - and I'm already struggling with those thoughts for when the time does come. You know in your heart what you need to do. Just follow your heart - and things will work out for the best. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you that you get your answer soon - so you can stop hurrying up and waiting.

Clare said...

the waiting must stink. for me, fear and anticipation are the worst - once i have to just do it, it's never so bad. so whether it's part time or quit, just know you'll feel better than you do now. i can relate to so much of the guilt.