* Today is my birthday, but I don't feel much like a birthday girl. I actually cried this morning over nothing. Well, actually I think I am feeling the loss of my job, the financial security that came with it and also a bit of the personal sense of security that comes from the status quo. I am in uncharted territory and I am scared.
On top of that I am at home now and if you know me, you know I am no domestic goddess. Domesticity is a challenge for me. I don't like cleaning and organizing, but that really isn't what upsets me. What upsets me is that I feel like I'm not good at it. Since I've been home I feel like I've failed every day to organize the house, keep things clean, take some pressure off of mrp. I feel like Sisyphus, but instead of pushing the stone up the hill I'm picking up endless crap around the house and not only that but I hate doing it and I suck at it. At least for Sisyphus he might have had an inkling of personal satisfaction from pushing that stone up the mountain!
And to make matters worse, I am worried about losing the one constant thing that is just mine that provides me personal satisfaction among many other things--running. Mrp is getting irritated with babysitting and missing out on things he needs to do or would rather do so I can run. He is now the sole breadwinner with all the burdens, both psychological and actual, that come with it. I fully appreciate that. He is also trying to lay the foundations of our farm business and I appreciate that too. And then from his perspective here I am waiting at the threshold of an improperly cleaned house (holding a very contented baby, in my defense!) itching to get out the door all by myself for a glorious run when he gets home. No how are yous. How was your day? Dinner is on the table. No, it's "hey do you mind watching him for an hour so I can go run?"
And from my perspective it's quite different. It's I've been cooped up giving of myself so completely all day I need some alone time to rest and recharge my mommy/wifey batteries. I need to de-stress and reacquaint myself with myself. I need that one constant thread of myself to hold on to during this time of change. I need to make myself stronger both mentally and physically for me, for mrp and for peanut. I have lost a lot. I don't want to lose running too! It's my hobby, my guilty pleasure, the one perk I want with this job. That's it. I want this one thing for myself, guilt-free. I don't want it at the expense of peanut or my marriage or anything like that of course. If something comes up and I have to miss a run or five, whatever. But I remember my life before running and I am much much much happier and a much better me with it.
Yeah yeah yeah. I am whining. I fully believe and espouse the notion that happiness is made. But, sometimes unhappiness sneakily seeps in through the cracks and suddenly stands there as an uninvited guest. So, I am identifying how the unhappiness snuck up on me and I'm working to shoo him out and seal up the cracks to make it harder to sneak in here next time.
Ahhh. The coffee has kicked in. Peanut is down for his first nap. I have released these feelings and I do feel much better and ready to go make myself a happy birthday girl. Now I just need to forget how old I am!
*A photo from the 10-miler I ran last month.