I am not a flashy person. I don't need a lot of stuff. I really don't care if anyone is impressed by the car I drive or the shoes I wear. My one weakness is clothes, but even there when I need to I know how to display my style on a budget (lately, it helps that my style is stay-at-home runner mom so I get away with bumming around in running clothes--running is great for some many things) Since I've been on my strict SAHM budget I haven't indulged in much. I've even been wearing the same pair of running shoes for months now (thank you low pregnancy mileage).
Yet, I find myself yet again falling behind on my monthly expenses. It would be one thing if I spent money doing cool stuff or indulging myself or something, but I haven't. I've been catching up on lingering doctor bills and my rental house bills and insurance and boring junk like that. It's horribly depressing to have to ask mrp for more money to pay for stuff like my cell phone and part of my rental house mortgage. Especially when my birthday's coming up and I was hoping to get a pair of running shoes and the carseat adaptor for our BOB Duallie or maybe some new under wear or socks. I could use those too.
I know I really can't complain. We do all right for ourselves and we certainly are 900 million times more financially secure than my parents were when I was growing up. A lot of my anxiety has to do with the way we manage our finances--my bills versus mrp's bills. It's just easier for us to keep things separate since we married in our early 30's and were already entrenched in our own systems. But, I try to require as little a month as possible and although I have been doing well, staying within my budget for the past few months, I am a bit behind this month and staring down the barrel of a high-for-me credit card bill for next month (car insurance and baby supplies). (And it would help if the lawyer who I do a little work for would send my check! It won't cover the entire deficit, but it would certainly help.)
And when I need to ask for money, I don't feel like a partner asking her partner for money to cover necessary expenses. Oh no. I am suddenly a 10 year-old mouth to feed, freaking out that my field trip fee is going to prevent my dad from having enough gas to get to work. I feel so much guilt and shame about not being able to pay for things myself. I so wish I could drop that emotional baggage from feelings about finances. I am so jealous of people who learned something about money in their growing-up years other than to feel shame about needing it.
Anyway, peanut is going through some funky sleep adjustment and was up this morning moaning and crying around 5:45 and although I got him back to sleep guess who's been up the whole time worrying, once again, about money. UGH.