Friday, May 14, 2010

Money Money Money Money

UGH. I hate money. All my life, I've hated it. I watched my parents fight about it during my whole entire childhood. I was always aware there was never enough and I always felt guilty about needing it. I still do to this day. The one thing I loved about working as a lawyer, maybe sadly more than anything else, was that I finally didn't have to worry (as much) about it.

I am not a flashy person. I don't need a lot of stuff. I really don't care if anyone is impressed by the car I drive or the shoes I wear. My one weakness is clothes, but even there when I need to I know how to display my style on a budget (lately, it helps that my style is stay-at-home runner mom so I get away with bumming around in running clothes--running is great for some many things) Since I've been on my strict SAHM budget I haven't indulged in much. I've even been wearing the same pair of running shoes for months now (thank you low pregnancy mileage).

Yet, I find myself yet again falling behind on my monthly expenses. It would be one thing if I spent money doing cool stuff or indulging myself or something, but I haven't. I've been catching up on lingering doctor bills and my rental house bills and insurance and boring junk like that. It's horribly depressing to have to ask mrp for more money to pay for stuff like my cell phone and part of my rental house mortgage. Especially when my birthday's coming up and I was hoping to get a pair of running shoes and the carseat adaptor for our BOB Duallie or maybe some new under wear or socks. I could use those too.

I know I really can't complain. We do all right for ourselves and we certainly are 900 million times more financially secure than my parents were when I was growing up. A lot of my anxiety has to do with the way we manage our finances--my bills versus mrp's bills. It's just easier for us to keep things separate since we married in our early 30's and were already entrenched in our own systems. But, I try to require as little a month as possible and although I have been doing well, staying within my budget for the past few months, I am a bit behind this month and staring down the barrel of a high-for-me credit card bill for next month (car insurance and baby supplies). (And it would help if the lawyer who I do a little work for would send my check! It won't cover the entire deficit, but it would certainly help.)

And when I need to ask for money, I don't feel like a partner asking her partner for money to cover necessary expenses. Oh no. I am suddenly a 10 year-old mouth to feed, freaking out that my field trip fee is going to prevent my dad from having enough gas to get to work. I feel so much guilt and shame about not being able to pay for things myself. I so wish I could drop that emotional baggage from feelings about finances. I am so jealous of people who learned something about money in their growing-up years other than to feel shame about needing it.

Anyway, peanut is going through some funky sleep adjustment and was up this morning moaning and crying around 5:45 and although I got him back to sleep guess who's been up the whole time worrying, once again, about money. UGH.

3 comments:

Katie said...

Worrying about money is no fun! Dwg (my mrp) and I have been living together for 4 years and married for almost 2. We have a joint account that we both put money into (though different amounts because of pay differences) and try to do all of our joint expenses/purchases from that account. At least the major stuff. But then all of our "personal" spending comes from our personal checking accounts. It usually works but there are times when I find myself annoyed that he used the joint account for something I wouldn't have. Then I get annoyed with myself--because I'm not his parent, I'm his partner and I get over myself.

I'm a little anxious about this summer when I'm not working and home with the baby. I get no paid leave from work, so I'll only have my AFLAC short-term disability policy and that money should really go towards our joint expenses (car, condo, etc.). I'll have to get used to asking for spending money--something I haven't had to do in ages and something I'm not really looking forward to!

But on the brighter side, happy almost birthday!

Michelle Simmons said...

It's amazing how money can REALLY make us worry. Seems like our bills just get higher and higher every year... I understand what you are saying, especially when you're not bringing it in like you used to. Wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but I'm sorry, I don't. :(

DC Running Mama said...

Money is a horrible stress. And, my biggest fear about potentially maybe one-day being a SAHM is that I would feel shame in "asking" for money. Hubby and I originally had separate accounts and paid for our own expenses, but found that lead to tension. So, we have a shared credit card for "family" expenses (i.e., food, baby stuff, medical bills, gas, etc.) and this has helped to deal with the money issue. This being said, we each have a personal spending budget and anything not "family" falls within this budget. Of course, you can have a good budgeting/purchasing/paying strategy, but that still doesn't eliminate the lack of overflowing buckets of $$ issue. Perhaps we should all grow money trees??